Weight is always an iffy subject, and often one people hide away from discussing in case they’re going to offend someone. I highly come under that category, especially as I’ve always been a pretty skinny girl. I’ve expressed my feelings towards skinny shaming on my blog before, and how I think it can be just as damaging calling a skinny person ‘skinny’ as it can calling a fat person ‘fat’ – after all, we all want different things for our bodies and all have our own insecurities, right?
Rewind 3 years. I was really ill, in and out of hospitals and doctors with liver problems, anxiety and bouts of depression (mainly caused by the yuck anxiety that decided it was going to randomly take over my life when I was at University). That year I lost over a stone in weight, because anxiety caused me to not want to eat due to the worry of being sick. It was a vicious cycle, but to be honest I was always quite little so I didn’t necessarily look that different. I was a size 6 back then, with a 24-25 inch waist weighing about 6 and a half stone.
Fast forward on one year, I was getting to grips with my anxieties and starting to get to grips with general life, and I’d tried to get into a more normal eating pattern. Things were going well, but I was still conquering the underlying causes of my anxiety, and generally not leaving the house much. Because of this, I was still unhealthily skinny because every time I tried to take a step out of my comfort zone, it would wipe me out for a good few days.
Fast forward to now. I’ve done amazing things with my anxiety, and I think it was mainly overcome (not fully overcome, as it never fully goes, but mostly) by getting a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend literally forces you to go out. You have to go out and meet them. You have to go on dates. And I didn’t want to lose this guy… So I did it. It took a few months of getting me out of the house (and puking next to his car – but not *on* his car might I add) to get me to a comfortable level, but it made me realise that things were ok and that I could manage.
And slowly but surely, I ate more. I managed to go out of the house and not have to worry about being home by lunchtime so I didn’t have to eat in public. I could finish a meal and enjoy it because I had finally expanded my stomach. I enjoyed eating again (BECAUSE I LOVE FOOD) and I just became ME again.
I went from a size 6 to a size 10/12 in 3 years. I went from a 24-25 inch waist to a 29 inch waist. I went from 6 and a half stone to 9 and a half stone.
I have skinny arms and lower legs/ankles and all the weight sits around my bum/hips, but I’m fully ok with that. I’m in love with my body at the moment. My clothes fit me (well, none of my fucking old ones, but it’s a fab excuse for buying loads of new clothes).
But why am I making these points and dishing out my life story?
To me, everyone has a weight journey. You might be small, and always be small. You might be big and always be big. Or a mix of the two. But one thing I have always been really frightened to do is celebrate my weight gain, and my weight journey. I mean, I’m now a size 10/12, that’s still smaller than the average woman, isn’t it? And yet throughout writing this all I can think about is ‘how can I word this so people don’t think fuck off you skinny bitch‘. It’s not right. Why can’t I be happy about it? Why am I so worried that anyone larger than a size 12 will tell me to shut the hell up?
My weight journey is not only just weight gain, it’s been a part of my mental health issues for almost 3 years. Weight is something that everyone feels and something everyone has an opinion on, but just because I’m ‘smaller’ doesn’t mean I don’t feel insecurities about my own body either.
Did you know I have stretch marks now on my hips? Did you know I got asked if I was pregnant the other day? Did you know my boyfriend and I play games to see who has the biggest belly after we eat a big pizza?
These feelings are so exciting for me because it’s what I’ve wanted to feel for years. I’ve always wanted substance to my body, and to look healthy instead of jaunted and unwell. It’s MY personal opinion on MY body. Some people even think those things listed above couldn’t possibly happen to a girl of ‘my size’, but they do, and I wish people would accept and go along with it instead of playing the *insert offensive skinny comment* card.
I will celebrate my weight gain and I will talk about it. Guys, I’VE GOT BOOBS!!!
SHOP THE LOOK
Top – Topshop
Cropped Trousers – Topshop
Shoes – M&S
Bag – River Island
Sunglasses – ASOS
All I hope this post does for you all is let you know that your opinions ALL matter when it comes to weight, whether you’re a size 0 or a size 26. You can want to be small, or want to be big, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Lots of love to you all for being so supportive for the last few years because without you I wouldn’t be the healthy and happy girl that I am now.